articles from 2009

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The darling of SA politics

Tonight, 27 January  2009

Arguably, she's one of SA's most important (certainly most opinionated) icons and, needless to say, on the eve of what looks like being South Africa's most crucial general election, Evita Bezuidenhout, has some points to make.

Master satirist, Pieter-Dirk Uys, Evita's alter ego, returns to the Elizabeth Sneddon Theatre from February 17 to 28, for Elections & Erections, a unique take on political and other fronts.

Humour is Uys's "weapon of mass distraction". But, with the recession, escalating crime, corruption and "denialism", plus Julius "foot in mouth" Malema in particularly wonderful oratory form of late - as we all wait for Comrade Jacob's dramatic journey to the most powerful position in the land, can we still find things to laugh at?

What advice does Evita, Ambassador of Bapetikosweti, have for our beleaguered readers? We posed a few questions to Her Excellency.

Five tips on coping with the recession.

As one of SA's most celebrated stateswomen and a canny businesswoman, have you thought of approaching the man of the moment, Jacob Zuma, with a business proposition. Perhaps a bathroom shop?

There is a silly rumour in the blogs that I will become Jacob Zuma's seventh wife. If so, yes, I will be able to redecorate the various houses. But a business proposition would be simpler: 'JZ? Step away from the presidency and when I become president you can become pastor in charge of monogamy'. I like Jacob Zuma. He still allows me to call him by his Zulu name: Innocent. Others call him Mshowerlozi!

Should one shower or smoke after having sex?

Neither. As a good wife you make your husband a nice cup of tea and switch on the volume of the TV so that he can also listen to his favourite sports programme. He usually has it on mute during 'the act'!

If you're a Zulu, of course you can smoke in the shower while having sex, I am told.

Shopping in Hong Kong. If you're followed by paparazzi, would you assault the photographer? How would you handle the situation, particularly if your people, in Bapetikosweti, were starving, many dying of cholera?

My people in my homeland never died of these things, because they would be looked after. Remember, they had the vote — and a casino. People always follow me to see what I buy and then follow suit. As for the paparazzi? I always treat them with polite disdain and sometimes manage to take pictures of them before discarding their cameras into the nearest gutter.

Does Evita have a favourite George W Bush-ism?

George W Bush just sounded like any Afrikaner politician trying to speak English. Remember Judge Erasmus, who said: 'It runs down my back like a duck's water'? The American Bush Wars are over. Now it's time to be pleased that they are following our example and allowing blacks to enter a white house by the front door.

Barack Obama fan? Any advice for Michelle Obama?

I'm quite sorry Barack was elected, because we in SA want him back. All I can say to dear Michelle is employ a nice Afrikaans girl as nanny to the girls. Boere meisies are good with a pooperskooper, running after small important dogs, too! Also, be careful of Bill Clinton, who will be lurking in the passages with his cigar!

As a first lady of some standing, what advice do you have for Zuma's five wives and should he take the highest office in the land? Some guidelines on how to handle various occasions.

Do them one at a time. One First Lady per occasion. Decide who's best at what. Never wear the same clothes. Lead by example and keep your weight under control.

Learn a few phrases of welcome in all 11 languages, in addition to Chinese and Russian. Give JZ a proper timetable for visiting. He has 32 cars in his convoy to park and those blue lights can drive you mad. Hide all Zapiro cartoons from him.

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