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Pieter-Dirk Uys

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Viva Mbeki!

– Pieter-Dirk Uys, News24, 22 April 2005

PW Botha said 'Adapt or Die'. Thabo Mbeki says 'Eat and Don't Die'.Viva Mbeki! Our Comrade President has explained himself at last. His victory is now internationally acclaimed. For he has won the debate in which he maintained healthy eating is a primary way of combating Aids.

Actually, no one ever argued about that.

The debate was about the issue: does HIV lead to Aids. That has still not been confronted in the front office of government, but let us not be churlish here.

Something has been solved. The Pope is Dead: Long live the Pope — The Dissident is gone; Welcome the Naked Chef! Thabo Mbeki's right.Firstly, for a hugely intelligent politician with a vast area of international expertise, this exciting breakthrough solves so many deadlocks and problems. Healthy eating combats Aids.

Pity Liberace, Rock Hudson, Brad Davis, Freddy Mercury and other superstars who died of Aids didn't eat properly.

Sadly many comrades of the president's own inner circle who died of 'natural causes', obviously were careless in their eating disciplines and so they died of ...' natural causes'. Natural Xhosas.

What does Mbeki eat?

Secondly: what does our president eat that keeps him so healthy and vigorous? He is obviously free of the virus, otherwise he wouldn't insist that it doesn't really exist.

He surfs the internet for more input and has more information on the subject than anyone else has bothered to find.

Never mind that there's very little knowledge. It's all in the spoon in your hand, stupid!

Maybe that's the secret.

Let us give all the 30 million people in South Africa who need a good daily diet of more than the African Potato, the food our president eats. And the food the minister of health eats, this medical guru whose buxom silhouette shows no shyness in the chewing department.

Behold the minister of foreign affairs and her exZuma'd-husband, the deputy president! All shiny, round and healthy, free of this virus that separates comrades from cadres. And of course our leaders are healthy.

The president and his cabinet eat so well that they are in no danger here.

So no wonder they find it hard to remember anyone who has contracted this disease.

As popes and presidents concur, it is extra-marital sex and the lack of abstinence that causes death by Aids.

After all, our president and his cabinet are all happily married comrades and none of them would attempt unprotected extra-marital sex.

Which will, in any case, be overprotected by national intelligence and political-correctness. No journalist will go there.

Back to the kitchen

But let's rather go back to the kitchen. What do they eat to keep them so confident and alive, while 700 of their supporters die every day because they don't know what the problem is supposed to be? They heard from someone on the train that this 'slimming sickness' that no one will confront is just a virus.

That, in order to be cured, you rape a virgin. Now the answer is so clear: Fuck the virgin! Just have a healthy meal!

Most of the black people who have died of Aids in South Africa were too poor to even phone for help, let alone pizza-delivery.

Most of the white people who have died of Aids ate too well to bother with room-service.

I'm confused and yet elated, because as a white baboon, the last thing I now attempt is to prescribe actions for my black leaders. But this is not about breeding; it's about feeding! So roll out the food trolleys, Mr President.

And you're right: to hell with education, compassion, care and anti-retrovirals.

A Million Calories a Day will keep The Virus at Bay!

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